I'm long over due for an update! We have been so busy it is unbelievable and I have so much I want to share about the things we have been doing lately but today I would like to just take some time to write about something that is on my mind.
Today I was holding my sweet Kiley Rose and I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with so many emotions about her first few months of life. She is now 10 months old and the sweetest baby you could ever be around. I love how different Olivia and Kiley are, each of them have their own ways of being special. Olivia is my independent, fun, smart, caring child. She loves adventure! Olivia also likes her own space but there are times when she comes and says "mommy I want to snuggle" or "Daddy can you hold me for awhile" and when those moments happen they are so very special. Kiley on the other hand is so different. I realize I have a lot to learn about her personality but from what I can see now, she is my cuddle bug. She wants to always be held and hugged. She is the happiest little baby that I have ever known. She smiles at everyone and everything! She is curious and quiet and enjoys being talked to. I can sit her in my lap and she will literally just sit there and spent that time with me she won't try to crawl away or find something more entertaining but rather she just likes to sit and enjoy your company. I adore this about her. In our chaotic life Kiley makes me stop to smell the roses....perhaps Rose as her middle name is more appropriate then I could have imagined it would be. Kiley does have a quicker temper then Olivia does but just as quick as she is to get mad she can turn it around and instantly be happy. I love both of my girls and I'm learning so much everyday about who they are individually.
Today though as I was holding Kiley I felt an overwhelming sigh of relief come over me. 10 months...I can't believe it. I think the reason for the sigh of relief is because of how everything happened with Kiley's birth. She weighed 3 lbs 15 oz when she was born and I cannot explain my fears for her everyday since her birth. She was so tiny and my knowledge on how to care for a preemie was so limited. I had a million questions along the way. I suppose as we journey into motherhood we are really left to figure it out along the way. We don't get a preview of our lives down the road to know what we will be dealing with. We don't know if our babies will be healthy, or full term, or with special needs, or if when they are older we will see developmental, social, or physical issues that we could not have seen coming. It's all a big risk, a big mystery and while it is is scary I know most every mother would agree that it is worth it. I can be honest in saying that the first 2 1/2 months of Kiley's life I was a wreck inside. I couldn't stop worrying about my tiny baby and I just had to hope I was doing everything right by her. From the time I was told I would have to deliver her until the time she was 2 1/2 months old I don't think I breathed. And in all fairness Kiley has always been in good health so I cannot imagine what it must be like for mothers who give birth to preemie babies with health issues, my heart goes out to them. Motherhood is a journey and I strongly encourage mothers to band together in support of one other during difficult times. I perhaps was not as vocal as I should have been during the months of Kiley's birth or in the time after I lost a baby through a tubal pregnancy but those times were some of the hardest of my life and I know support from other mothers would have been a great source of comfort for me. Josh has always been my better half and I cannot thank him enough for all he has done for me but sometimes there are only things that another mother can understand, and to be honest I may not always have the words to express how I'm feeling but to another mother who may understand what I was going through my silence would have spoken volumes. I recently read a blog about a mother who said "your hard is hard" and I found that to be such a powerful statement. We should not try to compete or compare our "hard" situation to another mothers situation but rather to appreciate the fact that every mother is dealing with something. Instead of down playing another persons issues compared to your own we should instead remember that "your hard is hard" and "their hard is hard". I always loved the saying "don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes" and I feel so strongly about that. Lets give more support and less judgement.
At Kiley's 9 month check up she weighed 13 lbs. This is a great accomplishment for us, even though the normal weight for a baby her age would have been 20-22 lbs I am just grateful she is healthy and happy. She is now starting to crawl around and thankfully her doctor has no concerns about her development at this time, she may be a lot slower in reaching the milestones that most babies her age have already met but she is small and should be allowed to take the time she needs to catch up. I don't worry over the milestones she has missed for her age but rather I breathe a sigh of relief each time she smiles at me because she is here and she is healthy and I have learned to be so thankful for those things. The time flies so quickly and I want to remember how special this time was with each of my girls. I found a poem I would like to share:
At first you didn't lift your head;
You didn't know to smile.
The time before you knew my voice
Seemed such a long, long while.
I couldn't wait for you to roll,
And then to sit and clap.
And now you're off and crawling,
Not helpless in my lap.
Why didn't someone tell me
How fast a baby grows,
That every little baby stage
Soon comes, but sooner goes.
So I'll enjoy the fleeting time
Before you learn to walk.
and treasure every tiny noise
Before you learn to talk.
For soon you'll learn to walk,
And talk and sing a song,
And never be my babe again.
The babe's forever gone.
Little baby, take your time,
For while you are tiny, you are mine.